


To Live and Let Go

by alltimeest



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Akakuroo - Freeform, Angst, Bokuaka - Freeform, Character Death, Depression, KuroKen - Freeform, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, bokuroo - Freeform, just remember because I did warn, oh lord so much angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-29
Updated: 2016-06-29
Packaged: 2018-07-18 23:26:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7335274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alltimeest/pseuds/alltimeest
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There's a certain feeling someone gets, a certain pang of sadness, guilt, irritation, and some other words that I, personally, can't think of, when their best friend betrays them. First, they take the person you've had a crush on as a child, then they take away your high school championship win, next your best friend and love of your life. What else could someone want? My family, my personality, my status, my personal belongings, my life?</p>
<p>See, it gets even worse when that person helps you off the edge they drove you to want to jump off of. Optimal situation, no? Think again. </p>
<p>Welcome to hell, kiddo.</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Live and Let Go

**Author's Note:**

> So pretty much this is my first work in a while. I was initially kind of scared to post this since I wrote it out of sadness and anger so yeah. ANYWAY, I won't make this too long, but if you're reading this I wanna thank you for taking time out of your day to read it ♡

"Hey man, guess what?" He said excitedly over the phone.

"Hmmm?" I hummed in response, trying to concentrate on the skill game I was playing. 

 

"I asked Akaashi out, and he said yes! Isn't that amazing?!" He exclaimed. I could hear the smile in his voice, my heart dropping in my chest, shattering to bits as it fell. Why. The only thought. 

Why?

I don't understand this. We've been friends since childhood, I've told him everything, shared everything with him and this is how I get repaid? The years of friendship I get back is with a "hey man I kinda asked out the person that you love the most and I know hah you love them but I'll date them anyway, isn't that exciting!?" I don't think that's how friendship works. 

....well according to mostly everything that ever existed in the universe!

Clearing my throat I answered,"Uh, yeah cool, man. I've gotta go, bye." With that I threw my phone to the other pillow on my bed, since I know that breaking it wouldn't be worth it. 

Why?

I loved him. I love him. And now he's taken away from me before I could ever get him. His beautiful face and silky strands of hair slipping through my fingers like clay or the messed up tosses that I miss and beat myself up about. To make myself better. 

A familiar ringtone rings out within the confines walls of my bedroom. Akaashi's ringtone. Just the ringtone reverberating back and forth within the confines of my mind. He said yes. 

After three rings I decided to pick it up, a sweet melodic voice bringing our emotions I only even feel for him. "Bokuto?"

"Akaashi."

"Kuroo-San asked me out! I'm so happy, I've liked him for a while now," Akaashi said happily, tears stinging at the back of my eyes. I'm so happy. 

"Congrats, Akaashi, I'm happy for you. Uh, listen, I- I've got to go now," and with that I hung up on him, leaving the hot tears to scorch hot trails down my cheeks. 

You deserve this, Kotarou, you didn't ask him when you had the chance. You could have asked him. 

I'm so happy. 

You shouldn't have lost to Kuroo again, you weakling. 

He said yes. 

Now your opportunity is gone. Down the drain. Wiped away like the clean slate it came from. 

"Go away!" I yelled at the thoughts invading my mind even though I knew they weren't tangible nor would they ever be. "I just want to be left alone," I sobbed, curling in on myself, feeling so small. 

So many emotions course through my brain, wrack through my body and come out through my throat. Heavy sobs. Sobs that hasn't reared its ugly head since the last time something of this caliber has occurred. 

Thinking back on it, I'm not even sure why I'm still friends with Tetsurou Kuroo. All he has caused was strife. Utter mental anguish from his selfishness throughout life. I guess it's true that your friends are your worst enemy. He's stolen things from me, stepped on my pride, tore my heart right out of my chest. So many negative aspects I'm surprised that we even manage to withstand contact. Double negatives repel each other and Kuroo Tetsurou and I should've repelled upon first encounter. 

~~~~~~~

Age 8, elementary school. I had been transferred to a new school since my parents decided to pick us up and move miles out into a smaller prefecture. Now, I'm not sure what caused anything, but I had happened to be quite popular in the class despite my delinquent look, as some of my old classmates used to rumor about me. He sat next to me, hair as messy as ever, and greeted me. After that things just fell into place, we became inseparable. 

"Tetsu! We should join a sport!" I exclaimed with the fervor of an excited puppy. 

Mistake number one. Offering up your ideas to others who can take advantage of you.

"That's a good idea, Koutarou!" Kuroo responded with the same amount of excitement. 

Days later another student transferred into our class. They went by the name of Kozume Kenma. Kenma made a great addition to Kuroo and I's troublesome two title. Kenma was very endearing, sometimes coming in in cute skirts, sometimes coming into school in plain shirts depending on their mood. 

"Kenma, I really like your skirt, does your mom dress you?" I questioned curiously. 

"Oh...uh no, I dress myself," Kenma said plainly and went back to playing on their DS. 

Days passed, years passed and I developed a small crush on Kenma. Their personality was so meek and outstanding, someone who would listen to you rant for hours and give comments when needed, helped me develop a slight fashion sense, encouraged my personality development into a cheery, happy-go-lucky, outgoing person. 

As for the sport, Kuroo and I decided to play volleyball. I'm not sure why we chose volleyball specifically, but that was final. We practiced dawn to dusk and even joined a league in and out of school. Kuroo and I met a lot of people in the league and eventually Kuroo decided to join a different team from mine. Red flags. Kuroo even convinced Kenma to join in on his team, which they did join after weeks of Kuroo annoying them. 

Four years after the initial meeting with Kenma and Kuroo, after the sports friendly rivalry, I decided to ask Kenma out for donuts. 

"Hey, Kenma!" I said excitedly, slinging my arm over their shoulder, distracting them from the Pokemon game blaring on the screen on their DS. 

"Hello Bokuto," Kenma said quietly, slinking into my hold. 

"I was wondering if you'd wanna get donuts with me after school tomorrow," I asked with a cheery smile, the sound of the wind rustling the trees and Kenma's DS volume in the background. 

Kenma pulled away, looking at me with a slightly pinched expression, "Ah, I'm sorry Bokuto. Kuroo asked me to ice cream two days ago. I apologize, but I have to decline your offer." With that Kenma ducked under my arm and walked off in the direction of their home, my face maintaining its spotless smile until I could feel the hot tears burning into my face, my heart slowly clenching. Walking home, chin up, tear stained face in the wind I went home to cry over the first time my heart broke. 

~~~~

A year later, my team had won the volleyball tournament in the outer school league. It wasn't that big of a deal, presumably, but to me it meant the world. The feeling of being on top, seeing your spike make the winning point. Winning the round. Winning the match. Al of my teammates rushed me and we all went down in a pile of smiles and happy cheers. Ironically, we were up against Kuroo and Kenma's team. After the award ceremony I went over to Kuroo and Kenma, since we're obviously still best friends. 

"Nice game, Koutarou," Kuroo patted me on the back with added force to try and get me to stumble. 

Red flag number two. 

"Good game guys!" I said slinging my arms over their shoulders. Kenma made a noise of agreement while pulling out a PSP and Kuroo slung his arm around my lower back. 

"So, did you decide where you're going for high school yet?" Kuroo asked with a smirk. 

"Yeah, my dad just got a job in a different prefecture, so I'm probably going to apply to the high school there. What about you guys?" I said while shrugging a bit. It's no big deal, I can keep in contact with Kuroo and Kenma and meet new people at the new school. 

"Probably going to go to Nekoma, that's the best option around here," Kuroo says and Kenma made another noise of approval while swearing under their breath at the game they were playing. 

"We'll be ready to be beaten again, Tetsu," I teased. 

"That's not gonna happen again, bro," Kuroo said tugging me down for a noogie. 

~~~~

Year one and two of high school were wasted effort on the volleyball front. Fukurodani was beaten by Shiratorizawa first round both years. Two years of trying to win against an opposing threatening force. 

Despite the lacking volleyball results, I'd managed to make a few friends while keeping in contact with Kuroo and Kenma. This is when Akaashi Keiji presented himself in my life. Akaashi had always been reserved with an aura of maturity surrounding him, extremely smart and talented at everything he did. He's an amazing setter and helped bring the team up to finals in the volleyball championship. Ironically, it was us against Kuroo and Kenma. 

Third set we were down a point versus Nekoma and Kuroo was going for a spike, set to him by Kenma. However, I didn't realize it was a fake synchronized attack and the player got the spike in, missing the block by just inches. 

It wasn't a good time. I actually resented Kuroo a bit despite acting like I was ok. 

Red flag. 

A few weeks after that I got a call from Kenma. Apparently Kuroo dumped them after three years of being together. Kenma was just tossed to the side as if they weren't ever existent. It was harsh because Kuroo took monopoly over Kenma's attention and it wasn't fair. Little did I know that he would do it to me again. 

~~~  
*ring ring*

I felt the buzzing on my pillow. I'm not picking that up, go to voicemail, I thought exasperated. Tension, anger, resentment rising in my mind. The phone went to voice mail and I don't think I'll bother listening to that voice mail ever. 

 

Minutes, hours, days, weeks passed well into Kuroo and Akaashi's budding relationship. 

"Hey, are you okay?" Kenma asked me while we were walking to our classes, Kenma playing on their psp while I looked out at the scenery moodily. Despite it being weeks I still hadn't gotten over it and fell into a certain funk. A specific mood that I couldn't shake. A sadness intense to the point of realization that my whole life and friendship could be a lie. Which it pretty much is. 

"What do you think of me, Kenma?" I asked after stretching minutes of silence. 

"I think," Kenma responded a few moments later," that you're a really sweet thoughtful person, but you don't know how to brace yourself for impactful situations that involve displeasure to your emotions."

"But think about it from my perspective, everything. Every. Little. Thing. Has been a competition. Constant disapproval, constant headache, constant displeasure. Don't you think you'd get sick of it too?" I explained loudly, all my frustrations teeming out to the point where I grabbed my hair and started yanking. 

So what if people think I'm crazy, fragile, broken or misheard. It's nobody's business. It's all between us. Anger and sadness being the two most evident sects of my emotions on display. 

"I have gotten sick of it. I am sick, especially being best friends with both parties. Honestly, if you want to decipher your emotions I can-

"Fine, you know what, if you can't handle it and got sick then I'll just leave. Have a good one, asshole," I said storming off back to my dorm apartment. Fuck class. Fuck Kenma. Fuck fucking Kuroo, and fuck Akaashi. Fuck it all. Rushing back I don't care about being polite or bumping into anybody. Fuck them too. Fuck the world. 

Fuck.

This is all so fucking dumb. Now I'm alone too. Perfect, just fucking perfect, Kotarou. Now I'll be left alone with my thoughts and loneliness. 

FUCK. 

Punching everything in sight I felt nothing. Blank. Blindness. Empty. No more anger, hatred, or sadness. Just a discontented empty feeling like void in which I'm being consumed. Slowly disappearing from myself in the second, breathing heavily. Suddenly, tunnel vision hit me, eyes focusing on the porch. 

If I just jumped off of the 5th floor balcony people wouldn't have to be angry at me. No more pain, no more anguish, no more competition. No more disappointment or freak attacks, fits of emotion, fear of existence. 

Opening the door to the balcony I shuffled closer and closer to achieving the ultimate solution. My doom. Eventual death. A step closer to meeting my maker. 

fuck. 

I'm done. 

I climbed to sit on top of the railing of the balcony, my body settled flimsily and precariously on the edge. This is it. The last view. The final moment. 

Taking in my final breath I looked up to the sky hoping nobody ended up spiteful about my own death. My life, my body, my decision. 

Finally, I slid my body down and was suddenly dropping until I felt my body jerk to a stop. Arms locked around me. 

"Fuck!" I yelled, tears coming out of my eyes eventually, "Why won't you let me die?" Sobbing hysterically, I started banging on the persons arms. "Let me fall! Just let me do it!"

"I can't do that, bro. I can't," I heard Kuroo say from above me. 

"NO!" I roared out, thrashing in his arms to try and get dropped. I didn't want to be here anymore. Why couldn't he just let me accomplish something for once, why is it that he had to hold me back and make me suffer in this world more than necessary. I don't want to exist. 

"No, you listen to me. You have to live. You have to love. That's the bro that I know and have grown to love and appreciate. You can't leave me," he said as I struggled, his grip becoming shaky at this point. 

"Stop being selfish! It's not all about you!" Still struggling, his grip consistently weakened to the point where I could choose any exact moment I want to surge down and plunge into a limitless abyss. 

"You're right, it isn't! At least there's someone who cares enough to save you from killing yourself!" At that I screamed and leaned all my body weight down, breaking free of his grasp and plunging to my death off a five story balcony. Air rushing at my face I smiled with tears pouring out. Finally, I can be happy...

And then it was all over. 

 

~~~~~   
Later that day, Kuroo Tetsurou jumped off of his own balcony to follow his friend, not willing to exist without him. He had everything in life; charisma, happiness, and people who exceptionally cared about him. People had wondered why he did it; why his friend did it. 

He and Bokuto Kotarou had made campus news what with their "Romeo and Juliet" act, as people had deemed it, when in reality they knew nothing. Akaashi Keiji knew nothing. Kozume Kenma knew nothing. They mourned over the loss of their friends, not knowing what, why,or how things went wrong. 

They had no idea how much Koutaro struggled with depression nor how Tetsuro was always envious of his best friend whom, frankly, he loved as more than a friend. Nobody knew. Not each other, not their friends. Nobody was able to tell what thoughts were racing through their minds nor would anybody ever figure it out. Forever their thoughts left unreadable, words left unspoken, lives left unlived. 

To live and let go is to not live at all.


End file.
